I’m going to be honest.

I mean, I guess that’s what I should do, right? This is called “Get Real with Jen”. In all honesty, though, I think I don’t write that often because I’m a little afraid of getting real. I’m afraid that if you see the real me, the real feelings and thoughts I may have, that you would judge me or want to have a talk with me and tell me that I shouldn’t have these thoughts or something along those lines. I’m afraid that I may get too real and start using profanity and/ or say something that may make you see me differently. But I’m a human being, y’all. I use words like, “y’all” and sometimes I say the F word and sometimes I say, “Jesus, take the wheel!!!…. before I drive it off the bridge!!!”.

And sometimes, I truly feel that way.

I adopted kids and the amount of people who called me a saint for that was so great. I would tell them, “Oh, I’m no saint…I probably cuss way too much” or I would just smile and say, “Oh, no. That’s sweet. Thank you”, with a shyish grin because I felt like that was and is far from who I am. Now, I understand the reasoning behind people saying that is because, as they would say, not a lot of people would do that. I think another reason for me feeling that sort of shyish cringe is because when someone labels you something noble, you feel like you can’t be anything else and maybe even like an imposter that can be found out.

I am a mother of 8, a grandmother of 6, a Christian who loves Jesus more than anything, a faithful church goer and tither and I serve in the children’s ministry, and all that is great and I have never done any of it out of obligation, so to speak, but truly out of the love in my heart for it all. BUT…. I’m also just a human who feels heartbreak and gets depressed when my kids are acting a fool, and sometimes questions if some of the decisions I’ve made were what I was really supposed to do. I’m a woman who, at times, wants to just drink lots of wine and eat chocolate or overly indulge in margaritas and chips and queso. I’m a mother, who, on more than one occasion, has told my children that I’m going to run away and never come back…and at times, even considered it. I want to cuss people out – and sometimes do – in the privacy of my own car, of course, driving on these Texas roads. (insert rolling eyes emoji just thinking about dumb drivers.)

There’s a lot of unsaintly and imperfect things I do and ways that I am, and I have realized that it’s all apart of the human experience. It’s all apart of what makes me, me.

Just like the other aspects of who I am.

Like, on my good days, when I see the beauty in everything and in everyone, or when I’m not cussing people out while driving, but instead bawling my eyes out, worshipping the Lord and shouting out praises to Him. When I decide to paint my house a deep jewel-toned dark teal, because the color makes me happy, especially when paired with soft pink accents – and why wouldn’t I want to feel happy when I walk into my house? Or when I put on one of my hip-hop playlists and get lost in the beats and want to become a hip-hop artist, every time. And even though, these days, I feel like my kids cause me more pain than joy, I go and look through photos of them and think about how blessed I am to have such beautiful children. And after all the pain and sorrow and depression I may feel at times, when I go to the Word and read the promises of God or a story of how others overcame and I once again renew my hope, to do it all over again the next day and the next day and so on. These are just some of the things that make up who I am and my human experience. We are all human and each have our own experiences, so let’s all remember we are not alone and we all can learn from each other. That also leads me to think, that because of that, we should see others with eyes of grace. Not one of us is perfect and we don’t know what crosses some are having to bear.

My central theme is to GET REAL AND GET FREE and that’s because I have experienced that first hand. The thing is, I have also forgotten that as well, like when I would rather cover the shame of feelings I may have or not want to share anything out of fear that no one will understand what I’m going through. Screw that! Even if no one else wants to ever get free, I will not stop myself from the freedom I crave. Honestly, I thought I was going to only vent in this post, but this is my therapy, so if this has helped me, my hope is that it helps one of you, too.