A little known fact about me is that I can be very sarcastic and even a little rude. Okay, my kids would argue, a lot rude, but that’s not the point.

I realized that my sarcasm and rudeness is just a “mask” to hide my emotions. Basically, I don’t like to feel. What I mean by that is, though I’m an emotional being at times, I don’t like to feel pain or sadness or hurt and being a sarcastic a-hole just helps me to cope, or so I think, better. I know what you’re thinking…’of course you don’t like to feel that! No one does!’ And you’re right, but for me, I leave it where it is before it can become more and I laugh it off by saying something sarcastic or rude. Wow… makes me think, “hurt people hurt people”. We all have “masks” we may hide behind. Nowadays, it’s the masks we have to wear that we can now “hide” behind. You can’t see our expressions as much, don’t have to talk to anyone for too long, because who’s really going to judge you for that? I’m sure that’s not fun for anyone right now. We’re all ready to get to a safe place and rip those darns masks off our faces!

So, something I did very recently was shave my head. I recommend not doing that unless you’re ready to take off all masks. Seriously though, your vulnerability will have nowhere to run. I learned that lesson the hard way.

A few days after getting a buzzcut, I ended up having a conversation with a friend, that turned a little emotional for me. The first thing I did when I started to feel those emotions creep up, was reach for the hair at the top of my head, to put some in front of my face, to sort of hide that vulnerability I knew was showing in my eyes and on my face, only to find that I forgot there was none. We both had a good laugh about it, I will admit, Even if my laughing was causing my tear-filled eyes to spew tears all down my cheeks.

I couldn’t hide it. Dang it!

It was then I knew that this may be difficult, especially for a person who tries to seem strong most of the time. I knew I would be exposed when I chopped my hair off. Some flaws would no longer be hidden, but I didn’t stop to think about how much my emotional flaws might not be, either. I can no longer throw some wispy bangs in front of my eyes that may be tear-filled or angry or rolling at the idiotic sayings of some people. I can no longer cover the vitiligo on the right side of my face when I ‘m having a self-conscious kind of day. I can’t hide a double chin I may have or a side profile I may not be too fond of. To be honest, though, those things have not really bothered me at all. I love my skin, I love my freckles, I love my eyes, and that’s what matters most to me. And though there may be so-called flaws I am exposing, I am also totally exposing some of what I do love about myself, as well, and I have to say, it’s been very liberating. But how do I accept those emotional flaws that I normally try to hide?

I learned in therapy, that you can’t get to the other side of any emotion, without going through it, and truth be told, I used to not care. I just didn’t want to feel. So, I stopped myself almost every time. I stopped myself from feeling any emotional pain or sadness because I would rather laugh or amuse myself with sarcastic utterings at the expense of others, to make sure I was far away from anything that made me feel something that could hurt. What that looks like for me is that I don’t go visit the cemetery where my brother and my grandma are buried. When Conway Twitty starts playing on my radio or anywhere and I’m not alone, I turn it off or walk away, because all I picture in my mind when I hear, “Hello darlin’, it’s been a long time…you’re just as lovely as you used to be”, is my grandma dancing around her kitchen with a beer in her hand while the smell of homemade tortillas fills the air. And that truly tears me up inside because I miss that more than anything. I quickly get thoughts and memories out of my mind that may hurt.

I’m sure it’s not healthy and I know it has affected many things, including my relationships, and because I have children, I know that I don’t want to be like that, anymore. I want to be better for them.

Something else that I’ve learned is that vulnerability breeds connection and if I’m going to be successful in my relationships, especially the most important ones, I have to learn to take off the masks that I try to hide behind and let my vulnerability and love be exposed, so that I can get to the other side of those emotions. That place of peace and joy and solace.

I pray the same for all of you.