I never took a blog writing class or studied the art of it. I just thought it was a way to get your voice heard, let your opinions and wisdom be known, and for me, to help others.

But what happens when all is not well with you? What does that mean? How can you help others when you got so much junk inside that you either try to hide or just don’t want to face?

I’m feeling just that…

Nothing tragic is happening in my life, my kids are healthy, I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and food in my pantry. But I don’t feel okay.

I go to church and try to keep myself and my kids in line, for the most part, but sometimes I feel like my life and everything in it is out of control. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are all pretty awesome and well behaved, but I pictured my life so much more different than it is right now. I saw my family living for God wholeheartedly and being sweet and kind and loving to each other and others, my husband being a godly example for my children, and myself being the best Proverbs 31 woman, ever – or at least, that’s what I had hoped for. Well, that is the furthest from what my life is, sometimes.                  After my divorce, my kids and I lived with my grandmother and when she passed away, I didn’t know where we were going to live. I didn’t make much money so I had to figure out what to do to find a place. Thankfully there are resources out there for people who, pretty much have nothing. Then there’s the issue of having my kids go with their dad every other week. Though we both believe in God, is he going to raise them the same way? And, what about dating or having relationships? Though I’m waiting for the “one”, how am I going to dispel the lustful desires I may have, in the meantime?

Those are some of the things I have asked myself and battled with over the past few years, since being divorced. And then the questions of, “why, if I’m a Christian, do I have to go through things like this?” And I’m reminded that I am not exempt from life. Crap happens. And, thankfully, God does remind me of His promises, as well. Sure, that helps, but I’ll admit, I don’t always feel comforted by it. Life steps up and waves it’s big ol’ hand in my face to show me that I still have to face it. So, I wrote all this because I had just planned on venting – and I still am – but I guess I needed to face some of that, as well.

I’ve been battling a few fleshly desires, lately, and tonight at church I prayed and praised and was reminded that I have a purpose and I need to live on purpose…to not only think of me, but of what God wants. So that was great and nice, but then my kids start arguing after church and I get all frustrated and want to smack them all and then I come back to that picture in my head that I had when they were little and was married and wanted to have it all together more than anything and look around to see that’s not how it is, at all, right now. When taking a couple of the kids to my ex’s, I started to feel like blaming him. I told him he needed to be in church and be an example for them and on my way home, I cried like I hadn’t in a while. ‘If he would’ve just been a good husband, maybe it wouldn’t be like this. Maybe my kids wouldn’t be arguing. Maybe my oldest daughter wouldn’t have had a child out of wedlock…yes, thankfully she’s not a teenager…but maybe she would’ve done it the “right” way. Maybe I wouldn’t need assistance with a place to live. I sure as heck wouldn’t being battling like I do now with fleshly and selfish desires.’ 

And I felt a breakdown.

Still trying to battle with the fact that I know that I’m called by God and have to face all the thoughts that are contrary to what I know, it is super draining and so hard to deal with, sometimes. I think this is why the Bible says to “be full of the spirit, and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16). So, how do I do that if I’m feeling like this? When I don’t feel okay?

‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’  – Philippians 4:13

‘But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint’ – Isaiah 40:31